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At wits end

At wits end

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POSTED January 9, 2019 4:22 p.m.

GAYS MILLS - Ah, yes, the tail end of one year and the front end of another one. Time to take stock of what has gone before and plan for what’s ahead.  I wish we knew what’s ahead, I’m still trying to make sense of what has happened in 2018.  Here, for your perusal are some phrases to make you think as we transition to 2019.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

I’m reading a book about gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn’t control her pupils.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

If you don’t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

A thief stole a calendar.  He got twelve months.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist got married.  They fought tooth and nail.

The poor dentist, he was just living hand to mouth.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A bicycle can’t stand alone, it’s just two tired.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.   That’s the point of it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Police were called to a day care where a 3-year old was resisting a rest.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard, he did a number on it.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

A lot of money is tainted: Taint yours and taint mine.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Cartoonist found dead in home.  Details are sketchy.

 

Happy New Year!

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