WEST FORK KICKAPOO - Breasts that are too big to stand on their own and need to be contained in a brassiere for their own safety have a practical side to them, as I’ve learned over the past several years.
I’ve never been a purse person, but when I moved to this area 20 years ago, I carried a shower pack everywhere I went.
The shower pack contained soap, shampoo, a nifty thin towel that soaked up the water yet dried quickly, a comb, some kind of moisture cream, Band-Aids, and Neosporin. Tucked into one of its pockets was a zippered bag that held a little money, my driver’s license, and any other important cards I might have owned. In a separate pocket of the shower pack were my checks and a pen.
Living without running water meant I’d shower wherever and whenever the opportunity arose. Having my shower pack handy made it easy.
At some point during that period, my daughter and I were in a store together and I saw a big purse with a shoulder strap. It was the kind of purse that for years I’d marveled at other women carrying. I was curious what they lugged around in such a large bag, thinking perhaps a change of clothes and a frying pan.
In the store, I slung this purse over my shoulder and found the nearest full-length mirror. I placed the strap over my right shoulder and my left hand up near my shoulder, as I had witnessed women doing.
My daughter laughed and said, “Wow, that looks really weird on you!” She'd never seen me with a real purse on. Laughing with her, I set it back on the shelf.
When I finally got a showerrigged up on the back of my house, I said good-bye to my shower pack and stored my supplies in the basement, conveniently located near my outdoor shower.
But without a shower pack, there was no longer anywhere to stash my checks or money.
So began my zippered-coin-purse years. I’ve lost two and worn out two others over the years, and I now hold tightly to my fifth one.
However, being small, it holds only a driver's license, debit card, and whatever cash I have on hand. Bra pocket to the rescue! The middle of an ample-sized woman’s brassiere forms a perfect pouch for tucking away small treasures.
This handy brassiere pocket can easily hold my ancient flip-phone, car keys, and a modest-sized wad of cash.
Recently, I was at Kwik Trip paying for my gas, pulling singles out by reaching down the top of my shirt, when I noticed the cashier looking at me strangely. Smiling and smoothing out the bills as I handed them to him, I said, “You know...the life of a stripper!”
Seven days a week, I wear fitness pants that don’t have pockets. The bra pocket comes in handy here for collecting class payments. Occasionally, money works its way out of my bra and down my top during a class warm-up. I try to retrieve it quickly before my class starts shouting, “You’re dropping money again!"
If my phone is already stashed in my bra, I might tuck the money into the waistband of my pants, but sometimes that backfires. There’s nothing quite like seeing your cash swirling in the toilet bowl after you’ve flushed, or finding it out on a hiking trail days after you last hiked it, or, my favorite, having it turn up in the washing machine or dryer. In the latter case, at least it’s clean.
I’ve learned that the convenience provided by large breasts isn’t just in the form of a mostly secure holding place, but also in the freedom of using both hands. As an added bonus my camera can be tucked under one of the straps.
This system does have a margin of error, as already mentioned. Not long ago, my camera slipped out when I was refilling the ducks' pool. Although quick to pull it out of the water, I wasn't quick enough. Another camera drowned.
Recently, I traded in my faithful tiny flip-phone for a mammoth-sized unyielding smartphone. It doesn’t fit in my coin purse, and tucking it into my bra pocket is not only obscene, but also uncomfortable.
I've considered resorting to buying my first over-the-shoulder purse, going back to using my flip phone, or buying a new backpack.But for now, I find the smartphone tucks sweetly into the back waistband of my fitness pants. As for money and keys, I'm a bra pocketer for life.