GAYS MILLS - I am constantly thinking of what to write about in my next column. Watching the news this week, a lightbulb went off in my head (actually over my head, we all know that lightbulbs in the head are not plausible or possible) when I heard the suggestion that sunlight, or a “very powerful light” could be shone on a body, or somehow “in a body,” or maybe injecting a disinfectant to “clean the lungs” could be useful in combating Covid-19. Voile! My column found me.
The book, ‘The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said.’ lives in the humor section of my library. Copyrighted in 1993, the book is sorely in need of an update and there seems to be no shortage of candidates for inclusion. The quotes just keep on coming. But here are a few from the book.
“That picture was taken out of context” Jeff Innis, New York Mets pitcher.
To hell with the public! I’m here for to represent the people!” New Jersey state senator
“Some quiet guys are inwardly outgoing,” Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster
A few classics from Sam Goldwyn, famous movie producer and well known for his malapropisms:
“I can’t make it, but give me a raincoat.”
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
“I ran into George Kaufman last night. He was at my house for dinner.”
When asked by a secretary if she could destroy some old files: “Go ahead. But make copies of them first.”
“Bite the wax tadpole.” Coca-Cola originally translated into Chinese
“As we debate this bill, that Sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora’s box.” heard at a New York City Council meeting
“A lot of people my age are dead at the present time,” Casey Stengel
“It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that,” Lou Duva, boxer
“Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?” accused thief who was handling his own defense.
(The commotion) “has something to do with a fat lady,” Dizzy Dean explaining a hubbub in the stands at a baseball game. Later: “I’ve just been informed that the fat lady is the Queen of Holland.”
Also by Diz: “Fans, don’t fail to miss tomorrow’s game.”
“Warning: Never use while sleeping,” warnings with hair dryer
“They pushed their nomination down my throat behind my back,” J.R. Ramsey, a member of the British Parliament
“I favor this irrigation bill in order that we may turn the barren hills of my state into fruitful valleys,” Massachusetts Senator John Parker
And finally, a few Yogi-isms by Mr. Berra
“Mantle’s a switch hitter because he’s amphibious.”
“I don’t know, I’m not in shape yet,” when asked his cap size
“He is a big clog in their machine,” when asked about Ted Williams
“I wish I had an answer to that because I’m getting tired of answering that question.”
“You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if it isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”In response to his wife’s question about where he would want his ashes spread: “Oh, surprise me.”