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Janes time-saving techniques
JANES DUCKS gift her with plenty of eggs, but shes learned the hard way to resist the temptation to put her collected eggs in a coat pocket. You might get away with it for a while, but eventually youre bound to have a squishy, yolky mess in your pocket.

VERNON COUNTY - I’m closing in on middle age. I figure not many people live past 120, making 60 seem the correct age for one to be considered middle-aged. In honor of reaching this significant mark, I want to share a few time-saving tips I’ve gleaned over the years as a single working woman who’s always in a hurry.

Recently, I was running into the bathroom—already late—to take care of business before running out to my car to leave for work. As I passed the oval mirror above the bathroom sink, something caught my eye.

“Aaack!” I yelped, and all three dogs came running, wagging their tails in excitement. But there was no excitement for me—horror would be more accurate. Looking into the mirror, I saw a middle-aged woman looking back at me with her hair every which way.

Above her left ear there appeared to be a bald spot. Just below the crown of her head on the same side was something resembling a sideways Mohawk. Tufts of hair were standing on end in bunches with no pattern even remotely resembling a hairstyle. She—and therefore I—was a total mess!

Applying water and flattening sections of my hair with my hand didn’t help, nor did wetting a comb and running it through that mop. Now, I was going to be late to work because my new timesaving strategy of taking a shower and washing my hair before bed had backfired.

Timesaving tip number one: Don’t do it! There is no time saved if you sleep with damp hair.

Second tip: If you live with chickens or ducks, I suggest you not put all your eggs in one pocket. Buy yourself an egg basket, use a small sturdy cardboard box, or, for serious egg collectors, go ahead and take an egg carton with you when you go out to do your morning chores.

Using your coat pocket will eventually result in being late to work. You might think sticking the eggs in your pocket is safe, maybe even a timesaving strategy, until one of two things happens. One, having forgotten you put them in there, you hop into the car, get to work, go to put your keys in your pocket, and your fingers come out drenched in yolk. Technically you’ve made it to work on time, but you’ll waste at least 15 minutes in the restroom trying to clean up the mess.

Or you run into the house, forgetting the eggs, fling off your barn jacket, and head to work on time. Great! Until the next morning when you put on your barn jacket and feel egg guts leaking down your leg. Now, you will be late as you try to clean up your pants that looked so spiffy moments ago.

Eggs are meant to be broken, just not before you’re near a bowl or a frying pan. Save time, be egg-smart: basket, box, or egg carton.

My last tip may seem trivial. I assure you it’s not.

Remove your earring backs before trying to stick your earrings into the holes in your earlobes. After my hundredth failure at getting my earring to go in, I get frustrated and start thinking, Did the hole close after only ten hours? Did it get clogged with debris from not showering before bed? Am I aiming in the right spot? Maybe my ears shifted while I was sleeping? Not only is this a time-sucker, but you will also start your day cranky as hell.

I’m here to tell you, no matter how many times you try to put your earring in, it will not fit through the hole with the earring back on—plain and simple. Take them off before inserting. You’ll get to work on time and you’ll be in a much better place mentally.

No one has asked me for my morning timesaving advice, but as an almost middle-aged woman I don’t feel I need permission. In five short years, I’ll be retiring and won’t worry so much about being on time. But I still won’t go back to washing my hair before bed or putting my eggs in one pocket—and I sure hope I remember to take off those darn earring backs before trying to shove them into my earlobes. Ouch!