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Local chef slays giant cat with fry pan

GAYS MILLS - It may be the weird weather, but I’ve been having some strange dreams lately.

The topic of dreaming and discussing your dreams is obviously a longstanding tradition that spans across time and demographics of people. My friend even recently told me there are podcasts dedicated to the topic and the debate of “are other peoples dreams really actually interesting?” On the program people call in and retell their dreams for ‘dream court’ to decide.

I’ve been told that the move you talk about your dreams, the more likely you are to remember them. Something in your brain is stimulated to store them away for sharing rather than just toss them away once you peel open your crusty eyes in the morning.

I most often use Facebook as an outlet for my dream sharing, which has been fun with their ‘memories’ feature that recalls what happened on that day, in your social media lifetime.

Probably the absolute best dream I’ve come across lately was one I had about three years ago about a Sasquatch that lived in the basement of our tiny little house in Readstown. I accidently discovered this creature living down there and this induced quite a bit of anxiety. The dream started to feel a lot more like a nightmare, because, who really knows what a Sasquatches intentions might be?  We really just know they like to wander about; their tendencies to violence are unclear.

Anyway, in my dream the most logical thing to do seemed to be pummeling the beast with zucchini. Magically, I had hundreds of zucchini to work with so I began throwing them down the cellar steps to the pit below.

The large, furry, angry creature came barreling up the steps and demanded an explanation. It spoke to me like an angry 20-something that thought you were trying to steal their boyfriend at the bar. It informed me it wasn’t a regular Sasquatch, but a SASSquatch. A much spicier, lively version, who was strong, independent, and didn’t need any human giving it back-sass, especially in the form of zucchini.

From there, I don’t really recall what happened, I may have woken up, but I also may have become friends with the Sassy mythical creature.

The most recent, memorable dream that I’ve had could probably qualify more as a nightmare. It has been a long time since I was startled awake with my heart racing and remembered feeling fear in my sleep, but this one did it.

There didn’t seem to be anything significant that happened before I walked out of the door of Tazzees Wonder Bar in Soldiers Grove. But when I did, from far across the parking lot, I made eye contact with a small mountain lion.

As is the usual case in a dream, despite the fact I was RIGHT outside of the door, I was unable to clamor my way back in before the big kitty picked up an unusual amount of speed coupled with an unusual amount of aggression for someone who simply made eye contact.

I frantically grabbed for the door and was barely able to make it inside before the cat seemed to arrive in front of me, nearly in a single bound. It began viciously mauling my foot that was unable to slip back in the foyer of the establishment. It was dark and seemed like the place was already closed, but I was fortunate that my trusty rubber insulated boots seemed to hold up against the fangs of a bloodthirsty Solar Town mountain lion.

I kicked and kicked but was unable to free myself from the cat (looking back on this dream, I some how was also managing to simultaneously hold the door shut while laying on my back defending myself against this predator. My dream self gets credit for being much more athletic, able and fearless than my real self who probably would have been mauled to death much more quickly.)

Suddenly, I heard the swing of a screen door on the side of the building and my view swung around to a bird’s eye, just like in the movies. I could see my legs kicking around outside of the crack of the door with the cat on top as Adam, the longstanding cook of the Wonder Bar, came out with fire and fury and wacked the cat in the head with a frying pan.

Adam completely disabled the big cat and without missing a beat turned around and walked back inside to finish his duties.

I was jolted awake without as much as offering a thank you to Adam for saving the day, so if you read this Adam, thanks a bunch for your frying pan skills in the dream world and reality.